


Efflorescence

by violentvision



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Childhood Trauma, Fluff and Angst, I'm Bad At Summaries, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2020-05-01 17:50:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19182760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violentvision/pseuds/violentvision
Summary: The twins, for better or worse, begin rebuilding themselves and life as they know it.





	1. Arum-lily

Saeran laid awake, watching the city lights dance, reflected on the ceiling above him, constantly blinking and moving about, seemingly restless. He wasn’t used to having so much time all to himself. Wasn’t used to the noisy buzzing of Tokyo. He didn’t feel awake at all, though.

 

Through his enchanted trance of observing the tiny dots of moving cars and shifting colors, he was suddenly alerted to the soft noise coming from the other side of his room’s locked door. For a brief second, his throat felt sandy and dry and his knuckles went white, clutching the sheets around him.

 

It had been almost a month since his brother had pulled Saeran’s limp body out of Mint Eye’s headquarters, which were engulfed in flame and smoke. The white-haired boy had thought he had died already. Peace, at last, right after he had seen his Savior set herself ablaze along with her blind lover.

 

Next thing he knew, he was in the hospital. He hadn’t been burned badly, but the fumes he had inhaled poisoned his lungs, almost to the point of no return. No sound could leave his damaged throat for days and the sedatives and painkillers had rendered his body into a lifeless cage. Saeran hoped for long that his claustrophobia and rage would do their job right and send his heart into overdrive. Instead, he managed to go through a long, painful purge, ridding his blood from Rika’s potion.

 

It was then when he began noticing his twin’s presence. Sitting in the corner of the room, setting up cameras and baby monitors whenever he needed to leave. And, with time, uttering timid words of comfort. Mute and unmoving, Saeran was left with no choice but to listen, at first filled with spite but, in time, came shame, creeping up and spreading its roots through his heart. 

 

His brother told him everything, over and over again. Showed pictures, diaries, emails, letters, videos. Saeran slowly began accepting the painful reality of having been fooled so completely. The shock had sunken in first. The boy broke through the layers of damaged tissue, scarring and anesthetics with a scream that resembled that of a dying animal. Nurses were called and he was, eventually, sedated.

 

The hospital therapist later explained to him that he was stepping into the grieving process. It felt awkward to grieve for a life he hadn’t had a chance to live, but there he was. Stuck in a seemingly endless process. After anger, came denial. He poured over his twin’s account of the events, trying to find a hole in his narrative. Hoping and praying for even one lie, just enough to confirm all the hideous things he used to believe Saeyoung was. Because now he had no idea of who his brother is, aside from his childhood memories of him. But everything was clean. Like a cruel joke, by the time there was no room for denial anymore, it was time for him to leave the hospital. He wondered where he would go. With no home to call his own, no belongings and a perfect understanding of the crimes he had been part of, he figured that the reasonable solution would be for him to be left alone, to fend for himself.

 

But then, just as the bargain phase had begun to show its face the dark-haired billionaire announced, with a tired voice, that the Choi twins were to be transferred to one of his hotels, right on the outskirts of the city. With no idea as to what that was supposed to mean, Saeran meekly accepted his fate, bidding his goodbye to the hospital bed that creaked just enough to give him comfort, to the fake flower by the (eternally locked) windowsill and to his flowy gown with brown polka-dots, soft and neutral.

 

Donned in a pair of sweats which the girl, MC, had silently brought him in the morning, with a candy bar hidden between the layers of cotton fabric (he ate the chocolate locked in the bathroom, afraid someone would take it away) he was escorted, along with his twin, towards a black SUV parked in front of the hospital entrance.

 

His brother sat shotgun, right next to the driver, whom Saeran quickly recognized as being Saeyoung’s mentor from the Agency. Vanderwood? That seemed off, since his twin had told him that his work at the spy organization was over. He decided to ignore. He didn’t feel like being nosy. Didn’t feel like anything at all, especially because it was the first time that he was in a car, enjoying the ride. Watching the streets shift before his eyes. So many things he had no idea about. He rode in silence, soaking in the afternoon sun and the sounds of traffic.

 

The hotel was big. A glass and steel monument, tall and sleek. Saeran marveled at it, timidly adjusting the face mask he was given by Vanderwood as they stepped into the lobby. A man in a black suit with a silver nametag escorted them to the ninth floor and gave them each a keycard to their suite before leaving. Saeyoung tried mumbling something about meeting for dinner, but Saeran ignored, quickly locking himself inside of his room.

 

The next two weeks after their arrival at the hotel were a blur. Saeran was overwhelmed with a frustrating realization that he felt like a child, learning how to live once again. He had been given a room overlooking the hotel’s pool and spent the first three days locked inside, observing the guests enjoying the blue waters and fruity cocktails. Happy families with children chasing each other around. Couples lounging on chaise lounges, working on their tan. Chasing the last days of summer. Once the poolside would empty out, he would fill the hours flopping through TV channels, consuming their content without any filters: cartoons, news segments, movies, game shows. It was then that a realization hit him like a truck: he knew nothing about the world around him. 

 

Establishing a new routine was difficult. His days in the Mint Eye were usually all fully planned out, so much so that there was no room for thoughts, even when his brain wasn’t muddled by drugs. He usually looked forward to wake up each day, to fulfill his tasks, to feel useful. But now he dreaded the rising sun. Saeyoung got in the habit of calling him in the morning, each day at 10 AM. Would usually ask whether he would like to share breakfast, always with such timid and apologetic words that Saeran’s stomach would churn with guilt, pity and disgust. He hung up the first week. Despite this, his twin would still order him a tray of room service, always with a note filled with drawings of cute cats.

 

Saeran wasn’t given a computer or a phone. To be fair, after what he did, he wouldn’t trust himself around a phone either. After finishing his breakfast, he would usually watch a couple of programs on wildlife and nature, especially enjoying the ones that showed him exotic places filled to the brim with wild greenery and colorful insects. He tried drawing the ones that stood out to him the most, throwing away balled up sheets of his pathetic attempts. Then, after two, another tray of lunch would appear at his door, along with Vanderwood and a maid. He would eat, under supervision, while his room got cleaned up and the amenities, replenished. The ex-agent would just stand in the corner, listening to music, the two of them exchanging deadly glares. 

 

At night, another tray would appear, complete with a handwritten letter from his brother, telling him all about his day, his thoughts, and little updates on their situation. Saeran would re-read them over and over again, sometimes angrily biting his pillow, and sometimes wailing silently in the corner between the bed and the window. After the first week he finally gathered the courage to pick up Saeyoung’s morning call and talk briefly. 

 

His twin asked, with an excited and shivering voice whether Saeran had enjoyed his pick of meals. If he tried taking a bath in the large bathtub. Whether he saw the rainclouds gathering outside his window. Talking about such trivial things felt easier than he had expected, especially because not seeing Saeyoung made it almost surreal. 

 

After ten days, Saeran asked his brother if he would be willing to have lunch with him in the hotel’s restaurant. He had seen the advertisement on the room service menu and his curiosity finally got big enough. He was also sick of pacing the four walls. And he knew that Vanderwood probably wouldn’t let him roam the hotel corridors by himself. As he made the suggestion to Saeyoung, he heard an excited squeak on the other side of the line, almost immediately suppressed by his twin’s attempt to keep it cool.

 

He dressed himself in the same sweats he wore to get to the hotel and met Saeyoung, shadowed by his agent friend, outside of his room, avoiding eye contact all the way down to the restaurant. There, in the large dining hall, they occupied a table in the corner and ordered their meal. Saeran asked for more concrete updates on their situation, trying as hard as he could to sound impersonal and distant, ignoring his brother’s puppy eyes.  
What his brother told him, though, did nothing to calm his nerves. Apparently, it wasn’t safe for either of them to stay for much longer in Korea. Saeyoung wouldn’t tell why, but he had his suspicions. Either the Agency, or Mint Eye’s investors, or even their father would eventually try and get to them. “We will have to move somewhere else. Jumin and I are working on our extraditions.” The redhead explained. Saeran didn’t like the idea at all, but it seemed he had no alternative besides jumping out of his window or hanging himself by the curtains. Somehow, he wasn’t contemplating suicide, though. “After we leave the country… you are, of course, free to do whatever you want. I just want to make sure you’ll be safe”. 

 

Saeran wanted to laugh. What choice did he had? Without a job, money or real-world skills he understood perfectly well that he was, at least for now, stuck. Felt about right. Why would fate grand him freedom after he spent his whole life under someone else? Their lunch ended on a sour note and once he returned to his room he puked it all out seemingly out of spite. 

 

The next few days he went through the motions, trying to find a crack in Saeyoung’s plan, but there didn’t seem to be any alternative. And, by the end of his second week at the hotel, his twin announced during his morning call that their destination had been decided. Japan. Could’ve been worse, Saeran supposed. Though he didn’t know the language, or anything else, for that matter, about the country. As if to settle him before he spiraled into a panic attack, his brother met him during lunch with a tablet in hands. Showed him the pictures of the apartment they were to live in (apparently rented from C&R’s investment property). He glanced at them, skeptically.

 

Then, Saeyoung offered “Look, I’ve been talking to MC and she pointed out that you… ummm… you don’t have many clothes of your own”. Saeran scoffed. He had been living off the hotel-provided pajamas and his grey sweats for two weeks. “I think you should order a few items. Something you would like to wear”. He opened a shopping app and let Saeran pick whatever he liked after they guesstimated his sizes.  
“We leave for Tokyo the night after tomorrow, okay? I’ve prepared your travel documents. We will get working visas from C&R’s shell company” Saeyoung confided as they walked back to their rooms. The whole plan made Saeran shiver with anxiety, especially because he had never flown on an airplane before. He laid awake that night, trying to drawn his thoughts with cartoons and minibar chocolates. Sometimes clawing at his skin. Pulling on the strands of hair. 

 

Morning came, despite his hopes against it. He didn’t meet his twin that day for lunch. Saeyoung had something else to do. Vanderwood came, though, bringing a bag of clothes. A pair of jeans, underwear and a soft sweater, as well as a pair of plain tennis shoes and socks, none of which were part of the selection he had made the day before. Selfishly, he wondered whether his twin had picked the items for him. Something about the idea of wearing something the other had chosen for him… made his breath caught up in his throat. After trying the pieces out, he laid them out on the right side of his bed, smoothing out the fabrics neatly. 

 

As the night approached, his heartbeat increased in speed. He took one final bath (the bathtub was indeed large and deep), brushed his teeth and spent half an hour contemplating his reflection. Bag under his eyes. Chapped lips and hair that had grown way past the usual length, it’s color forever changed by Rika’s toxic potion. The permanent signs of abuse etched onto his image. Ugly. Ugly. He had to hold himself to avoid smashing the mirror with his trembling fist.

 

At one past midnight his phone rung. Saeyoung once again apologized for missing lunch and asked him to be ready to leave in fifteen minutes. Saeran bid his goodbyes to the room, got dressed and met his twin and Vanderwood following a soft knock to his door. They trailed the quiet corridor, descended to the hotel lobby and entered the same SUV that had brought them there a couple of weeks ago. Not a word uttered. He was handed another face mask and a cap. His brother’s fingers twitched, fingertips ending on chewed nails.

 

Apparently, they weren’t too far from the airport, judging by the time it took for them to reach the large underground parking lot. By that point, Saeran had so much pent up anxiety that he had broken a cold sweat, his teeth painfully clutched as the three of them navigated through the terminal towards the check-in station. A bright-eyed lady in a uniform behind the counter scanned their documents and let them pick their seats on a touch screen pad displaying the map of the plane. Saeran picked a spot in the center, right by the corridor and his twin selected the one next to it, by the window. 

 

His twin bid his goodbyes to Vanderwood, who informed that someone would escort them from Narita airport to their new home in Tokyo. Saeran couldn’t help but pay close attention to everything they were speaking, but it seemed that the tall, long-haired man was short on words, as always. “Take care, you two. Cherish your new lives.” He finally offered to the two brothers, who stood side-by-side now. With that, they followed to the embarking area. 

 

Their seats were business class (maybe courtesy of Han Jumin? That apparently meant that they could’ve enjoyed a very nice looking separate seating area. But Saeyoung announced that they were late and indeed, they proceeded through a long corridor towards the inside of the aircraft, ushered in by a couple of flight attendants who, with kind and plastic-y smiles showed them to their seats and offered a drink. His brother took a soda and Saeran decided on a glass of apple juice, timidly voicing his request. 

 

The inside of the plane was sort of loud from the constant buzzing of the engines. The cushioned seats they sat on were comfortable, and he observed everything around them with interest while Saeyoung sent a few messages from his phone. Once they were served with their drinks, paired with hot towels, he finally spoke “Don’t worry, the flight isn’t too long. I know you’re probably tired, so once we reach altitude you can try and nap a little. I promise, I won’t bother you”. 

 

Saeran nodded slightly, gulping on his juice as the captain’s voice came out of the speakers to announce takeoff. On a screen in front of his seat a safety video was played, which did nothing to settle his nerves. He noticed Saeyoung’s hand laying open on the armrest besides him, and for a brief second, once the plane began taxiing, he considered taking it into his own. He would probably break his twin’s fingers with the sheer force of panic that instilled in him, so he decided on distracting himself by flipping through magazines. 

 

Luckily, the liftoff didn’t take too long (he even managed a couple of glances in to the oval window next to their seats). Found the earphones provided to them. Plugged them in and spent the next half an hour skipping through the music catalogue until he found something that seemed soothing enough. Reclined his seat according to instructions printed on the info card. Closed his eyes, ignoring Saeyoung. And fell into a deep sleep, filled with weird dreams.

 

In what seemed like a blink of an eye, he was awoken, his seat fixed into the correct position for landing. Outside he could see the sun, signaling the dawn of a new day. He gripped the armrests as they smoothly landed onto a strip of asphalt and taxied slowly into the arrival terminal. “Slept well?” Saeyoung asked. He shook his head affirmatively, rubbing his eyes to prepare himself to leave the cabin. 

 

Then, customs. He silently showed a nice-looking lady his passport. Watched as she carefully analyzed the stamp of his visa. Stamped another sheet. Smiled again, sliding his documents back to him. Saeyoung was waiting on the other side of the corridor. Everything around was… foreign, for lack of a better word. Every writing, the voices he heard, even the smells that surrounded him. Overwhelmed, he tugged his facemask on, not bothering to look at anything but the floor he stepped on. The two of them were met by a guy in a suit, wearing glasses and holding a plaque with a white cat pictured on it. Then, a car. A long drive, the time filled with window watching. The weather was nice, the buildings kept getting taller and taller the deeper they drove into the city.

 

Their destination ended up being a very, very tall building, with glass exterior. There wasn’t much to unpack, their whole luggage consisting of Saeyoung’s backpack. The two of them entered the lobby, and while Saeran observed the people coming in and out, dressed mostly in smooth and sharp looking suits his twin chatted for a bit with a man behind the reception desk, finally receiving a brown envelope. “You’re ready to see our new place?” he asked the pale boy, trying to sound as excited as he could. 

 

They took an elevator, using a key card from the envelope to access the 43rd floor. Tall. Tall. A seemingly infinite tapestry of the city unrolling under their feet into a panoramic view. Then, a wooden door, with the unit number carved into a gold plate. Saeyoung opened the door with the same key card and they entered the apartment. Kind of empty and filled with light. 

 

“The guy on reception said that the items I’ve ordered for us have already been arranged, so our house slippers should be…” He quickly searched through a couple different storage spaces by the entrance, finally finding what he was looking for. Two pairs of fluffy slippers, one orange with cat ears and another one white without many embellishments, letting Saeran pick one first. Obviously, the latter option. “Come, let me show you the rooms. You can pick which one you like most.”

 

The tour was short. There were two rooms as options, both equipped with their own bathroom. One was larger, but another was better lit, overlooking a park down, down there somewhere. Floor to ceiling windows ensured the whole place was bathed in sunlight. Saeran picked the larger room, out of pure pettiness, but his twin didn’t seem to mind. While he settled onto the corner of the wide and soft bed Saeyoung lugged in two cardboard boxes. “H-here are the clothes that I ordered for you, and a few other things, okay? You should rest, I’m sure the trip was tiring.”

 

The redhead looked apologetic, hiding his glances as he stumbled outside of Saeran’s room. “If you need me I’m right here, okay? I’ll order something for us to eat. We should eat jjajangmyeon since we just moved in, right?” A nervous chuckle escaped Saeyoung’s throat. “I… ugh… I need to make a couple of phone calls but you- you should make yourself at home, okay? It is your home now. Feel free to explore, okay?”. With that, Saeran was left alone, the door closing behind his twin. 

 

It didn’t seem real. Yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I hope you've enjoyed the first chapter. I'm not quite sure how long this will be, but I'll try to deliver weekly updates. This story has been brewing inside of me since I first played the Saeyoung route and I've finally gathered courage to spill it into words. There are cannon divergences in my story, but I hope it won't stop you from reading further. Also, forgive me for any grammar mistakes. I currently don't have anyone who could beta for me (if you wanna volunteer let me know!)
> 
> In any case, I would love to read what you think. Please, comment if you feel like it. Or, alternatively, DM or @ me on Twitter: @selflobotomy


	2. Magnolia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeyoung fights against memories and attempts to charm Saeran. 
> 
>  
> 
> WARNING! This chapter will contain some triggering descriptions of child abuse. I added the tag and warnings, let me know if I need to tag something else.

Saeyoung’s first morning in Tokyo was met with bright sunlight hitting one of the screens of his new system. He couldn’t sleep, and decided to use the insomnia to his advantage, putting together a PC out of the parts he had ordered before moving in. His new servers should be arriving today, and he was already planning out their installation. Keeping his mind busy. Not at all thinking about his dearest twin, who was probably sleeping, still, in the room next ho his. Surreal. 

He retrieved one of the hard drives he had brought with him to Japan, all the way from his bunker, before Vanderwood had helped him set up an explosive device that was made expertly to seem like a simple gas leak. He forged a fake register of an old guy living there by himself (a corpse of one of the Agency’s former chief directors came in handy. Two birds with one stone, right?). Yes, he kept himself busy this past month. Anything to keep his mind from realizing fully what Saeran’s presence in his life really meant.

It was hard work. Organizing all of the useful information he was able to acquire from Mint Eye’s servers (his dearest brother had put it all together so neatly, as if he was waiting for Saeyoung to come and decrypt it). Bank accounts full of money Rika and V were collecting from the cult’s investors. Info about said investors. Blackmail material. Jumin paid handsomely for it, after dividing Rika’s assets fairly between RFA’s members. 

Solving the Agency’s issue was messier. But C&R’s personal security team was invested into seeing the spy organization dismantled. And, with the heads thinking that Agents 707 and Vanderwood both had been terminated (mutual extermination) in an operation gone wrong, it was a matter of time before all of the Agency’s directors had been wiped out. An organization, vanished into thin air. But what to expect from lawless mercenaries? Saeyoung would be lying if he said he didn’t feel a kind of twisted pleasure eliminating his tormentors one by one. 

The spy database, along with a list of former and current clients, partners and assets were collected and sold, once again, to C&R, in exchange for, amongst other things, immunity. To be honest, Saeyoung just wanted to guarantee he had enough money to never have to worry about either him or his brother working ever again. He wasn’t sure whether they could ever work in a normal environment (well… maybe space exploration? Or a professional cat nanny?), not for a while at least, so having a VERY thick security blanket was exactly what they both needed. No regrets there. Vanderwood had developed an appreciation for Jumin’s cold, calculated and efficient mind, and offered himself and his skills for the role of the heir’s personal security directive.

When all of those minute details were put to the rest, however, it all hit Saeyoung like a space rocket. Zen and MC helped him, overseeing the technicalities. The girl, in all of her magnanimous generosity and kindness, forgave his twin and himself with the piety and selflessness of the Virgin Mary, helping him to communicate with doctors and nurses (all paid generously for their silent discretion). It was abundantly clear, however, that it wasn’t safe for either one of the Choi twins to stay in their home country for longer.

So, Tokyo. A fancy (and safe) apartment, where they could be wallflowers. One of Saeyoung’s cars (his most beloved Bugatti Chiron in blue) parked in the garage. MC helped him pick appliances and furniture. Soft linen and cute mugs. Hours poured over internet tutorials of how to do laundry and cook basic meals. Finally, his beloved, angelic brother dreaming safely just a wall away. 

Saeyoung smiled tiredly to himself, catching his own reflection on the screen he faced, before getting up on his feet and cracking his neck. He had gone to the nearest 7-11 earlier to procure something for their breakfast and, having no real idea of Saeran’s preferences, bought them everything they would fantasize about as children. Ice creams in colorful wrappers, half a dozen chilling in the freezer; biscuits, yummy buns with various fillings, a selection of juices and milk teas. Each time he remembered just how gaunt and frail his twin looked he desperately would put another item into the cart. He would probably be willing to chop off his own leg if Saeran wished for it.

The redhead had begun his road towards the kitchen, hoping for a glass of ice cold soda, when his sleep-deprived and permanently paranoid ears caught the sound of a door unlocking, and his heart almost leaped out of his throat, smashing furiously against his sternum. Quickly, he turned around, only to catch the sight of his twin walking out of his room and into the hallway. A sleepy angel.

“Good morning!” Saeyoung croaked, excited. Everything about this exchange was fascinated to see. His twin’s fluffy white hair, his shoulder sticking out of the collar of a (maybe a bit too large) t-shirt. The morning light dancing on soft skin.

Saeran didn’t respond at first. He didn’t look at his brother like a deer caught in the headlights anymore, but there was still a hesitance in each one of their interaction. Saeyoung, too afraid to break or bruise his brother’s patience, while the other seemed to not know how to interact.

“Hey.” The word, said in a small voice, sent shivers of heat across the redhead’s spine and his lips spread in an uncontrollable smile.

“Did you sleep well? I… I wasn’t sure what kind of matrass you prefer, but we can always order something else…” There he was again, filling the awkward spaces of their interactions with anxious banter. The angel seemed slightly annoyed.

“I prefer having a bed. I’m sure you can relate.”

There it was. It seemed that their relationship had stagnated somewhere between their youth and their traumas, every discomfort bringing up painful memories that Saeran would just throw out of his brain onto their conversations. How was Saeyoung supposed to respond to that?

“Yeah… I guess I get what you mean”.

Another pregnant pause. “Do we have any food?” the smaller twin asked, both shy and irritated, pouting to the sun outside. Saeyoung snapped out of his confusion with an even brighter smile.

“Yes! There’s a bunch of stuff in the fridge.” He motioned for his brother to follow him towards the small island in the kitchen-living room. Their new place was still fairly empty, but MC had explained to him that they needed to fill in the space together to make it feel like home. He liked that idea very much.

“Ugh... we have sweet stuff and savory stuff too. And a bunch of drinks as well” Saeyoung explained, spreading his convenience store loot onto the marbled counter. “I’m not a very good cook, but I promise I’ll try my best to improve, and while I don’t we can always get delivery, just how we did yesterday”.

Yesterday, after they unpacked some of the boxes, he had surprised Saeran with a double order of black bean noodles from a Korean place. The mint-eyed boy seemingly enjoyed the dish, before crashing into his bed with some dark sauce still on his chin. Saeyoung had to hold himself tight to avoid wiping the substance off with a tissue. Or… maybe a finger, like they did as kids.

“… okay”. Saeran picked a curry bun, timidly unwrapping the plastic around it, before neatly folding it into a tight square. He would often do that. Fold napkins, smoothing out a crease in his shirt, putting the salt shaker back in the basket. Something of a self-preservation habit. Their mom used to go ballistic at the sight of anything out of place.

Saeyoung stopped the train of bad memories, focusing instead on the slight dust of pink that appeared on his twin’s cheeks once he bit into the soft dough, certainly hitting the filling in one bite. To be fair, that WAS a small bun. Saeran finished in three more bites, eyes already set on the next item. “Can I?’ he asked, hesitantly, fingers hovering above a cup of strawberry yoghurt.

“Of course!” the redhead spun on his heels, quickly reaching into the cabinet with all of their (freshly unpacked) cutlery, selecting a spoon engraved with small stars across the handle. “Here,” he offered the utensil, grateful to be useful. Saeran dug into the pink substance after carefully peeling, licking and folding the lid. When they were kids, they used to take turns licking the lids of their yoghurts (He would steal a cup every week in the cornerstone after the church service).

“So… what’s the plan now?” The question was uttered hesitantly, and Seven took a little to digest it. “I mean… do we just… live together?”

Fair enough. “That’s the plan. If.. if you want to.” Saeyoung nodded. “I won’t keep you locked. You can… leave at any time”. It wasn’t honest. He knew he would just end up following his twin in secret, if only to ensure his safety. “I think it’s safer for us to live together, at least… at least for now, though.”

A glance of aquamarine eyes sent his heart racing. For a second, Saeran’s stare felt cold and hostile. “Aren’t you worried about me slitting your throat while you sleep? The doctors said I was unstable, after all.” His voice dripped in spite. Somehow, the redhead wasn’t scared. 

“I will gladly let you do so, if you can get to me before my training reflexes kick in. I… I don’t wanna risk hurting you, though, so if you decide to kill me please do so with no hesitation, okay?” He smiled, a bit giddy at the awed expression of his twin, seemingly left without words. Reaching for a can of soda, he adjusted his glasses. “I promise you, if you decide to stay, I’ll try my absolute best to take care of you.”  
“Just like you did when we were – nevermind”. Saeran almost spat out a painful remark. And yeah, they both knew that it wasn’t like that at all. Knew that Saeyoung had done what he thought would ensure his twin’s safety and happiness. Somehow being hurt that way by his beloved angel’s words felt almost sweet, akin to a long-awaited penitence.

“I shouldn’t have.” Saeran rose up from his seat, seeming ready to flee, retreat back into his room, showered in guilt. “Wait, I have something for you!” Saeyoung stopped him, gesturing for his brother to sit back while he rushed to his own room, emerging back seconds later, holding a box wrapped into silver paper. “It’s for you, okay? I… Ugh I took the liberty of setting it up, but you can change the configurations if you wanna.” His cheeks burned as he placed the present on the kitchen counter.

Another long pause. Saeran’s eyes darting between the ribbons that decorated the gift, his brother’s blush, his own fingers, which twitched ever so slightly as he took the box into his hands, unwrapping the silver cover. Inside, was a brand-new, sleek cellphone.

“I’ve installed some apps… you can order stuff from them, if you want to. There’s music and series too, and you can play mobile games” Saeyoung explained, stumbling on what he really wanted to say. “I’ve installed a chatroom for us in there. I know it’s hard, talking face-to-face. And I figured that maybe texting would be easier, you know?” He offered a smile, proud of himself. The white-haired boy just stared at him for a few moments before scooping up his new gift, along with a couple of buns and a bottle of strawberry milk from the table and quickly disappearing down the corridor into his bedroom.

Well, that was… Saeyoung didn’t know how to assess the success rate of his mission. Vanderwood would probably give him 42%, but he had always been a meanie. Still confused, he decided to munch on an egg sandwich when he heard a notification ring on the phone in his pocket. ”ANGEL SAERAN SENT YOU A MESSAGE”.

He rushed to open the chat window, hands shaking and throat suddenly dry. 

ANGEL SAERAN: It was awkward. That’s why I ran.  
He cooed at the words, endeared by his twin’s need for an explanation. He had always been thoughtful like that, wasn’t he?  
GOD SEVEN: Don’t worry~ thanks for sharing a meal with me!  
ANGEL SAERAN: I was really planning on killing you. You know? Up until a few days ago. Couldn’t do it. Your nanny is too watchful.  
A silent laughter erupted from the hacker’s chest. He imagined Vandy’s face at being called a nanny. He would gladly pay for that pleasure with a broken finger or two.  
GOD SEVEN: He is a pro, isn’t he?  
GOD SEVEN: Don’t worry though. I know you couldn’t kill me.  
GOD SEVEN: Not without a few months of training at least.  
ANGEL SAERAN: …  
ANGEL SAERAN: Haven’t decided if that’s worth the effort yet. I’d have to clean the sheets afterwards. Have no idea of where I would dispose your corpse in Tokyo either.  
GOD SEVEN: Yeah, I’m definitely more valuable to you as a pretty maid.

He sighed, amused, wondering what his brother’s reaction would be to seeing him in one of his cosplays. Maybe he had already? I’s been known that Saeran has had unlimited access to MC’s RFA chat records. Pictures included. Somehow that made Saeyoung wish he could show off more of his fun clothes.

Talking through a screen definitely helped. Their exchanges even carried some of the morbid playfulness, and when Saeran announced that he was leaving the chat for now he didn’t feel as worried about the state of things between them. (Somehow, things will adjust, won’t they? They are, literally, copies of each other’s flesh, after all). He grabbed a pack of chips after putting away all of the leftovers and checked the RFA’s chat to see if anyone was active in there. 

MC: I’m sure they are managing, Jaehee.  
MC: We shouldn’t worry too much.  
(GOD SEVEN entered the chatroom)  
GOD SEVEN: Helloooooooooooo~~~  
GOD SEVEN: Good morning, ladies,  
GOD SEVEN: Me and Saerannie just had breakfast together.  
GOD SEVEN: [image attached] Thank you for helping me pick the spoons, MC! They looked so cute in Saerannie’s hand!~~~  
MC: I’m glad you guys liked them!  
MC: I’m guessing you’ve already settled in, then?  
JAEHEE: Mr. Han asked me to deliver a full report upon your arrival to Japan. Shall I write down that everything went smoothly?  
MC: You’re so hardworking, Jaehee!  
GOD SEVEN: Yes, our new place is almost perfect!  
GOD SEVEN: Still a few details missing here and there, but I’m working on it!  
GOD SEVEN: I gave Saernnie his new phone  
GOD SEVEN: Hopefully someday he’ll be willing to join our chats~  
MC: That would be SO fun! Can’t wait!

Saeyoung looked up from his screen. Clouds were running fast across the blue sky. End of summer. Memories sprouting on the surface of his heart. Painful bursts of images, sounds and smells. Saeran’s smile when he brought him a sunflower he stole from a farm nearby. Lips spread so wide, shiny teeth white enough to distract from the bruises. The taste of a blue popsicle, sugar running down their sticky hands.

A dark, damp and stuffy room. His brother tied to a bed. 

He bit his lips. Stopped the film from rolling in his mind. 

MC: Seven? Is everything okay?  
GOD SEVEN: Of course! Just watching the clouds~ How’s the weather in Seoul.  
JAEHEE: Miserable for me, as an office worker. Humid and hot. My work suit is too warm for summer.  
MC: I’m planning a beach party! Zen just came back from rehearsal, I’ll tell you all about it later!  
MC: You should take Saeran to the beach~  
(MC left the chatroom)  
JAEHEE: I hope I can go to MC’s beach party as a guest and not as Mr. Han’s assistant. Would be nice to have a cocktail on the shore, ah…  
JAEHEE: Well, I’ve prolonged my break enough. And I’m sure you have a lot on your plate, too.  
JAEHEE: I’ll report to Mr. Han that your move has been successful so far.  
JAEHEE: Talk to you later!

He spent some time tidying the kitchen before paddling back to his room. It wounded like Saeran had discovered one of the games he had downloaded onto his phone. For a second, there was a tempting thought of suggesting that they both play together. He had bought a couple of consoles, he just needed time to set up, but… Maybe that’s too early? Saeyoung decided against it, willing himself to finish his security system before anything else. He wouldn’t want to risk it, for anything.

So, he spent the rest of the day installing the software he needed, setting up the firewall and the servers (in one of the coat closets). The sun was already setting when he was reminded of dinner by an annoying rumble in his tummy. 

ANGEL SAERAN: Hey…  
ANGEL SAERAN: Do we have anything for dinner?

Saeyoung’s guts did a triple flip when he saw the notification on his phone’s screen. His fingers reacted before his mind did, already typing in the answer.

GOD SEVEN: We have breakfast leftovers, but we can order something as well! Do you want anything specific?  
ANGEL SAERAN: [image attached] I want a pizza.  
ANGEL SAERAN: I’ve never had one before.

Saeyoung observed the image sent to him, a bit dumbfounded. It was an ad for a local pizza chain. Must have popped up on Saeran’s phone while he was playing.

GOD SEVEN: Okay, no problem!  
GOD SEVEN: Wanna come out so we can pick the flavors together?

A pause. Than, the sound of steps. A door unlocking. More steps. And there he was, white hair now combed into place, same pair of pajama pants still on but a different t-shirt. Saeran brought with him the scent of flowers everywhere he went.

“There are different flavors?”

An hour or so later, two large pizzas were delivered to their doorstep. Saeyoung let his twin chose the flavors he was curious about and suggested that they could watch something together. Saeran shrugged, but still payed attention to the fantasy anime the hacker picked for them. When they were kids they would often dream about the things they would do if they had the chance to be on their own, without supervision or threats.

There was still distance between them. Only now, it felt more as if they were on the opposite sides of a river, rather than a brick wall separating them. It was progress, Saeyoung hoped, as he silently chuckled watching the other boy doing his best to eat his first slice of a margherita pie, tomato sauce dripping onto his brand-new t-shirt. They didn’t turn on the lights, letting the glow from the TV and the neon lights below them cast their shadows on the walls while they stuffed their mouths in comfortable silence, with occasional exchanges like “I’m gonna grab a soda, you want something to drink?” and “What’s this black thing?” (Saeran had never tried an olive before). 

“Does it still feel surreal to you, too?” Saeran asked in a small voice, after both carton boxes were emptied out and they were on their tenth episode already. 

“Yeah. I feel like, any moment now, I’ll wake up in some hospital after being in a coma so deep that the doctors were already planning on declaring me brain-dead”. Somehow it wasn’t a funny joke. For Seven, that was a fear so real and profound that a cold sweat broke in droplets on his back.

“… Same for me. Except in a dungeon. And pumped full of drugs”. It was said with a tone so mundane that Saeran’s words sounded almost detached. Saeyoung knew better, though. He also knew that it wasn’t his business to pry.

“Do you want some ice cream? They say you can’t feel cold when you’re dreaming”.

“Pretty sure that’s a lie. What kind of ice cream do we have?” A rare smile pulled the corners of Saeran’s lips up, exposing shiny teeth. His smile tasted like summer to Saeyoung. He mirrored it, doubling over, before motioning for his twin to wait while he grabbed a feast of cold treats from their freezer. The mint-eyed boy was scandalized once he saw how much there was. 

“I remembered that you liked ice cream when we were kids and… I maybe overdid it. But! I have an Excuse! In my defense I didn’t know what flavors were your favorite, so it was only logical for me to grab them all!~”

It turned out, Saeran liked them all, scooping a spoonful out of each and humming when he really enjoyed the taste. Studying the packages in the dim light carefully. Reaching for another bite sometimes. Saeyoung watched, fascinated, how his twin’s expression transformed each time a spoonful melted on his tongue. 

“Can we get more tomorrow?” Saeran asked, sprawled onto their brand-new couch, fingers rubbing small circles into his belly. Saeyoung wanted to say that he would buy him an ice cream factory if he wished to have one. Instead, he picked the trash and assured his twin that he would get them more, especially of the flavors they hadn’t tried this time. When the angel hummed in approval and announced that he was going to take a bath, he asked him to wait. 

“I have one more surprise for you, okay?” The hacker announced before darting towards his bedroom and coming back with a colorful box. 

“Here, I bought some before leaving Korea. Fill your bathtub, pick one and drop it in the water, okay? They’re called bath bombs, but they aren’t dangerous at all!”.

Saeran took the box into his hand, his curiosity piqued with the scent that emanated from inside. “Okay. Goodnight. Thanks... for the pizza.”

“See you tomorrow, Saerannie!~” the hacker responded sweetly, watching as his twin disappeared into his bedroom with an overjoyed expression. First day went well. He would definitely count it as a victory.

Some time later, when Saeyoung was brushing his teeth, he got a phone text from his brother with a picture attached. Lilac and pink spreading across the bathtub porcelain in delicate waves.

“It’s pretty”. The text said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are enjoying me shifting between the twin's POVs! They are so cute together~
> 
> Thank you for leaving kudos and comments, they are really encouraging!


	3. White Heather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting the third chapter a bit earlier... Felt inspired to write today, hopefully you'll enjoy the results. 
> 
> In this chapter Saeran begins processing his feelings towards his twin. Also, some retail therapy.
> 
>  
> 
> Comments and kudos are greately appreciated, as always~

Saeran had been getting used to normal sleeping patterns since he first woke up in a hospital bed. His room at Mint Eye had no windows, and so day and night were concepts he knew about, in theory, but had difficulty applying to himself, not really knowing why he was supposed to sleep when it was dark and be awake when the sun was up. But it had been a month, and things were getting easier. A routine, if you may, like normal people have. Aided by the fact that his medication made him sleepy and he usually took it an hour before bed. The pills erased the memories from any dreams he might’ve had that night. He paid it no mind: better to remember nothing than to suffer through nightmares.

But that night, after he stuffed his belly with ice-cream, he had trouble falling asleep, even after taking his meds. He felt his heart flutter slightly, as if a gentle breeze blew on a wildflower, disturbing its serene state. He blamed it on the sugar (they say sugar makes you hyper?), but his sleeplessness brought on a string of memories. Not necessarily bad ones, but… it was the same feeling of reading an old line of code that he had abandoned and deleted a long time ago. It almost made no sense why he had written it in the first place.

Summer. It’s hot and humid, his pale skin is constantly glossy with sweat. His brother brings him a blue popsicle under his shirt, partially melted. The blue syrup drips down Saeyoung’s arm, a speedy brook on golden skin, and hangs to the elbow, to thick to splatter down. Afraid of it staining his huyng’s church shirt, Saeran dips his head, catching the drop with his tongue, eyes opening wide as the sweetness spreading through his mouth. Cold sugar, with the smell of fresh berries.

Berries that Saeyoung used to bring them in his pockets, smile wide as he told the tale of his conquest. Stealing berries from their neighbour, plucking while the old man wasn’t looking. They would share those under the covers, finding each other’s hands with hungry mouths, feeding the sweetness to one another.

His heart taking leaps as he latched onto the summer heat, the rays of sun in his brother’s skin and the flowers blooming outside his window. 

He didn’t mind the heat at all back then.

Frustrated, he turned on his phone. At first, he played a bit at the cute game of a black fuzzy creature who floated through a dark forest filled with perils, solving puzzles to avoid falling into the traps. He liked that one, rooting for the little guy and trying his best at keeping him alive.But soon it became quite boring. His skin lingered with the flower-y scent of the bath he took earlier, he spent almost an hour in the slowly cooling water, playing with the colors and sparkles that floated around him, feeling his room with a sweet aroma of sugar and sunshine. The same smell that plagued his memories now.

‘I wonder if there are more of those online?’ He wondered to himself, picking up the box to read the brand name. A few taps away on his phone and he was at the shopping app on his phone, at the cosmetics section. The same brand wasn’t available, but there were other varieties. He felt guilty for a moment, his finger hovering above the button that eventually added the item to his cart. “To be delivered to: Saeran. Apartment no 4403 in La Tour Central Park, Shinjuku, Tokyo. Credit card XXXX XXXX XXXX 0070.” It wasn’t his money to spend. But his twin said that he could. And, really, he had almost nothing, besides a couple of pairs of underwear and socks, sweats, pajamas and a sweater with jeans. One pair of tennis shoes. 

He had never had the chance of picking up something for himself. Even the treats he had as a child were provided by Saeyoung. So he spent the rest of the night hours browsing the damn app, adding items to his cart as if they were the summer berries that he once filled his mouth with, almost losing count. He wasn’t too greedy, no. But he had seen how people dressed outside, in the real world. The guests at the hotel they stayed in, the travelers at the airport, the people on the streets of Tokyo. He felt their eyes on him, singling him out, as if they could possibly know that he was a freak. Sheltered, brain-washed creature of wilderness. 

Saeran wanted to go outside again. And, once he did, he wanted to be discreet. At least, discreet enough to not stand out next to his loud and obnoxious brother. So he used that excuse to justify the extensive order he placed on the app, after browsing through all of the “recommended” sections and picking a few items from each. ‘Saeyoung can’t be mad at me. It’s his fault he trusted me with his credit card number. Stupid’. 

His medication must have been getting to him, because he giggled to himself as he drifted off to sleep, not minding the first strand of sun that breached through his window, ushering the dawn. A confusing dream followed, one in which he had shrunk to the size of a blueberry and Saeyoung had snipped the top of the berry off for him to bathe in its juices. All of his skin covered in blue sticky nectar.

The sun had long passed its midpoint when Saeran finally rose from his bed, lazily stretching his arms. He was parched and groggy, and decided to travel towards the kitchen wrapped into his blanket tightly, checking the corridor first for signs of his twin. Saeyoung was probably in his own room, the sound of a keyboard signalling to his presence. He quickly waddled towards the fridge, taking his time to decide on the drinks. This was a first to him, too. Having so much to pick from. His twin had really gone all out. Somehow today their fridge seemed even fuller than the day before.

‘He must’ve gone to the shop while I was asleep’. Saeran concluded, guilt setting into his stomach as he picked a bottle of peach-flavored fizzy water. It made the drink taste less sweet, somehow, acting as a reminder of his spending spree last night. Maybe he shouldn’t have bought so much without consulting Saeyoung first. 

As luck would have it, the redheaded hacker appeared out of his room at this exact moment, teeth bright in a wide smile aimed at his brother. “Hey, you woke up? Sorry, I made you stay up way too long yesterday, didn’t I?” He approached Saeran quickly, messy hair and soft green sweater with a golden bee embroidered onto his chest. The embodiment of a generous summer. Even in the twilight Saeyoung beamed his own inner warmth.

“I… ah…” Saeran was at a loss, having been caught up in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. He gulped from his bottle before finishing his sentence. “I think I slept too much.” His eyes darted around, not daring to look at his twin for too long, a stubborn pout forming on his face. “I bought a lot of stuff yesterday. You… You might wanna cancel the order before they bill you.”

Even though he had practically zero experience in the real, adult world, Saeran knew how money worked. Had learned all about it from their mother’s drunk rants about their father’s monthly ailment checks, from seeing his brother’s happy face when he could scrape a few coins to buy him a treat. From managing the Saviour’s accounts and Mint Eye’s donations. He wasn’t naïve and he knew how angry people could get over money. 

“Yeah, I saw! Don’t worry, I didn’t snoop through your order, it’ll be a surprise, right? I’m glad you took the time to treat yourself to something!” Surprisingly, Saeyoung didn’t seem mad at all. Quite the opposite was true, judging by the widened grin on his freckled face. He felt his own cheeks burn and tears gather at the corners of his eyes.

“You aren’t going to scold me?” Saeran asked, voice shaky and thin, a shiver creeping up his spine.

“Why would I be? Saerannie, we have plenty of cash. You… actually helped with some of it. You don’t need to worry, all right? Are… Are you crying? Please, don’t cry!” His brother’s smile turned to concern as he rushed to his side, trembling fingers hovering around Saeran, unsure about their limits. He wished Saeyoung would just hug him already. He also wanted to scream and kick, feeling frustrated at his own reaction. Stupid. Why would he cry now all of a sudden? He angrily smeared the tears off of his cheeks, with his hand balled up into a fist. Irked with how little it took to set him off, put him into that headspace where he was small and expected nothing but pain from a punishment.

“I just. How would you expect me to know? You’re keeping everything from me! Won’t even let me leave the house!” It wasn’t fair, and he knew it. He shouldn’t be lashing out on his twin, especially because nothing of what he said was true. He couldn’t help it, though. It was his own way of preventing a full-on meltdown, emotions crumbling.

“... ah… Saerannie…” Saeyoung took two steps back, giving him space. He hated it. The distance he had created with his harsh words. Wanted to blow it up to pieces. Wanted to hurt his brother for being so tender and careful. For treating Saeran so delicately. He hated when he couldn’t predict what would come next. He was used to punishment. Why couldn’t he get what he expected?

“I’m sorry for not explaining it properly. And I’m also very sorry for making you feel trapped. You really must be. I haven’t been the best at communicating.” The hacker sounded so apologetic that each word was another stab to Saeran, who kept spilling rivers down his face. “You can always go outside, of course. But I understand if you don’t feel like it…” Saeyoung stumbled around every word, picking carefully, the love spilling out of the corners of his mouth. 

“You don’t have to worry about money, I promise you. We both are very, very safe in that regard. In no small part thanks to you and all of that data you so carefully store at the… on that place’s servers.” He fished his phone out of his pocket and typed something in, showing the results on the screen for Saeran to see. “Look: those are just our dividends. We are safe.” The green-eyed boy dared to look through the tears, only to see an impressive string of zeros. If that were to be true, than really, his late night spree wouldn’t really make a big dent in it. He sighed, somewhat relieved, his cheeks finally getting to dry.

“See? I downloaded those apps for you to use. It wasn’t a trap, don’t worry!” Sometimes, their mother would do that to them. Leave a treat on the table and allow them a taste, only to take it away later, heavy hand delivering discipline with slaps, accompanied by degrading screams. Making sure they knew: they didn’t deserve anything good. Saeyoung must have remembered the same, because he finally took the courage to come closer again and comfort his twin with light brushes of his fingers on silver hair. Slowly bringing Saeran’s anxiety to a manageable level, coaxing the panic out of him.

Finally, Saeran mustered up the courage to look at his twin, meeting golden sparks in his eyes. Sweet honey and soft chamomile. “I’m sorry, darling” His voice was shaky, but soothing, coupled with the nimble digits on his strands.”You’re right, I should have been more open with you, right? I guess you could say… I, too, am figuring things out as I go. I’m sure you can understand”.

And Saeran did. How could he not, when his brother had just shared his insecurities so generously? “I just… I wanna see outside more. Can you… please… take me?”

Another beaming smile. This one, even brighter. Saeyoung radiated joy, nodding his head enthusiastically. “You wanna go for a ride? We can go for a night drive, maybe   
stop somewhere for dinner… I’m kind of hungry. You probably are, too”. He was right. Now that the tension had mellowed out, Saeran’s body had begun sending signals, complaining about having spent almost an entire day empty. 

“... Okay. I’m… not sure I’m ready to go out out yet, though.” Saeran’s cheeks burned with the realization of his own hypocrisy. It was true, though. He wanted to experience outside, but carefully, too scared of losing it if it all becomes too much to bare. He squeezed the plastic bottle from his peach water until it made a crackling sound, damaged almost to the point of leaking.

His twin, however, seemed understanding. “Of course! We can… grab some of the things we already have and maybe just drive somewhere to eat? You can pick the snacks we’ll take, I just need two minutes to finish setting everything up, okay?” He nodded and watched as Saeyoung rushed towards his room. Saeran found a plastic bag after rummaging through some drawers and under the sink, and filled it with some of the food displayed in their refrigerator. A couple of rice balls wrapped into plastic, some drinks, a packet of chips and some other things, finally grabbing the only sweater he had from his bedroom (night seemed a bit chilly) before heading carefully to Saeyoung’s room.

It wasn’t polite to pry or snoop and he knew it. However it was in his nature as a hacker, and his brother did leave the door a bit open, so no harm in looking inside, right? The redhead seemingly built a new system for him, three wide screens on one of the walls with a wide desk underneath, lines of code calculating different tasks. Transferring and encrypting data onto new servers. Erasing their presence from the public eye, diluting their data connections into the public grid, bouncing I.P. addresses around the globe. No stone left unturned. Saeyoung really was the only one in terms of information security who could ever rival his own skills. Even though Saeran didn’t enjoy coding and programming nearly as much as his twin, it had been fun to play cat and mouse with him. Their styles a nearly perfect fit. 

“Saeran! You’re ready?” No use in hiding anymore. The boy entered the bedroom with cautious steps. This room was a bit smaller than his own, located closely to the kitchen and the hallway. Definitely a bit messier as well. Saeyoung wasn’t the most organized one, albeit he was trying his best to correct that. Hence, no empty cans of soda laying around, and no chip crumbs. The redhead had fetched a jacket, glossy silk and yellow stripes complementing his sweater nicely. Making his fiery curls stand out even more. 

“I’m setting some things up! I can show you later, if you want to, I’m sure any suggestions you have would be helpful~” Saeyoung explained, pointing at his computer, seemingly proud. “I’ve installed the rack server in one of the shoe lockers at the entrance. There are so many storage spaces in this apartment I figured we wouldn’t miss one too much.” The hardware was, indeed, well organized. Cables tied down and lined around the walls carefully, it was a wonder he hadn’t noticed them before. 

“Seems nice. I can take a look tomorrow. Can we go now?” He wasn’t sure whether he wanted to mess around tech right now. And he was also getting hungrier by the minute, his patience running thin again. He smirked to himself, smugly, watching his twin scurry around, fetching his car keys. Soon, they were at the garage, deep underground. It was very intimidating to realize that they were standing under layers upon layers of concrete, steel and glass. What if it all came crumbling down in an instant? Would they even have time to realize what was happening?

‘How quick could death be?’ Saeran mused to himself, following the other towards a sleek sports car, parked in one of the lots not too far from the elevators. “Saerannie, meet my babie~” Saeyoung cooed lovingly at the vehicle before sliding inside. He followed his twin’s motions, taking his place besides him. The car was low and elongated, akin to a bullet, and the interior smelled of leather and Saeyoung’s scent, warm and spicy, familiar. The engine purred softly as the ignition was triggered, and the car rolled out onto the streets of Tokyo, smooth and dark.

“You sure love your cars a lot” Saeran pointed out, remembering just how much the hacker would talk about them in the RFA chats. His brother has always had a taste for fast and powerful things. Elegant things. Nothing like the sickly, ugly duckling that he, himself, was. He rubbed his green eyes to waive off the train of needy thoughts, focusing on watching the streets around them. While waiting at a red light, Saeyoung tinkered a bit with the control panel, until a soft, somewhat repetitive melody surged forward, filling the space with a soothing atmosphere.

“Hehe, sorry. I like to listen to music while I drive. You can look around my library to check if there’s something else you might enjoy more” He offered, placing his phone into Saeran’s hands. The boy did look but didn’t switch the track, enjoying what was on already. “Low-fi for dreamy summers” was the playlist’s title and he made sure to memorize it so that he could look it up later.

Nighttime Tokyo was busy and colorful, energetic and abundant. So nice to watch people outside from behind tinted windows. Being lulled safely by the engine’s roar as they made their way from the packed district of Shinjuku towards the bay. Saeran tried to memorize the directions they were following, but after the fifteenth turn it all became a bit of a blur. “Do you know where we’re heading?” He asked, timidly.

“No idea, really! I just know the bay’s this way. We can drive around until we find a perfect spot. And then I’ll use the GPS to find our way back” Saeyoung explained, sounding a bit embarrassed by his lack of a plan. Somehow, Saeran didn’t mind, enjoying quite a bit the intuitive way they finally figured the right path, now gliding next to the dark and glossy water, littered with boats, ships, signalling lights. They searched around for a bit until his brother finally picked a spot and parked next to an empty dock near the edge of the beach.

“Is here okay? We can eat watching the ocean…” The redhead suggested, puppy eyes aimed at Saeran. Sure enough, they picked a spot on the wooden surface, waves gently gliding around and underneath them. 

“I’ve never seen the ocean so close” It was dark, but Saeran could see the lights of some vessels traversing towards the horizon. A half-moon, bright and shimmery, peaked from behind a thin veil of clouds. Some stars glimmered above them, beaming reflections onto the water’s surface. “Pretty… “ He trailed off, lost in thoughts while Saeyoung fixed their meal on the surface of the jacket he had brought along.

“We should buy a few picnic towels. There’s a park right next to our home, if you wanna visit it someday. The pictures online seem lovely” the hacker pondered, offering him a can of milk tea and an unwrapped rice ball. “This one is with salmon roe, have you tried it before? Try some, it’s one of my favorite flavors!” Saeyoung’s enthusiasm was unmatchable, and while Saeran himself ate mostly in silence he would sometimes interject a few questions.

“So you picked apart the cult’s database?” He had compiled all of the information and resources carefully, intendent on using it sometime if need be. The people who would usually invest in the cult were the people Rika used to invite to the RFA parties when she was still the party coordinator. Wealthy CEOs, politicians, charismatic actors and fortune heirs. Mint Eye had become a private club for them, one they could use for both business connections and entertainment, provided by the drugs the Saviour would provide them and the poor and devoted believers, who would whore themselves out in exchange for a promise of holy bliss. It was all sincerely fucked up, now that Saeran tried to piece together his memories of the place. Things weren’t so clear seen from the inside, though. He really did believe, once, that the Saviour was real and that Paradise was a tangible place she could provide to her followers. 

It made him glad that everyone who contributed towards building up that organization had their investments stolen from them now. Their identities caught hostages. It was dangerous, sure, but nothing they both weren’t used to. Secrets and the dangers involving them had always been a natural extension of their existence.

“Yeah. Like I said before, Jumin was happy to pay for the info. And the funds were shared equally by the remaining RFA members and… you.” Saeran’s jaw slacked at that revelation. Even if all they had were 2/7 of Mint Eye and Rika’s vaults… no wonder Saeyoung didn’t mind the amount he had spent on clothes yesterday. 

“I’ve divided our funds so that all of our eggs aren’t in one single basked, and took the liberty to invest some of it with Jumin’s accountant’s help. Some of it was moved overseas too. But yeah. We’re well-padded. I just wanted to make sure you could live the rest of your life with no worries, even if we have to move again somewhere” The hacker explained passionately, seemingly proud of himself. 

His golden eyes glistened in the soft light. Skin golden even under the paleness of the moonshine. The breeze making red curls dance around. And then Saeran realized: “It’s the first time I see you really outside.” A simple realization, but sweet nonetheless. The unusual and neutral setting somehow neutralizing any bitterness he had felt just hours prior. The smell of the ocean sending him back into a state of wonder his twin inspired into him when they were children. Summer nights spent telling stories in whispers, holding hands across the opposite sides of the mattress they slept on. 

Saeyoung’s face softened into a sweet and gentle expression as he sighed, glancing at the moon, and confessed “I’ve waited my whole life for this. Truly.”

Saeran bit the corner of his lip, turning his gaze away from his twin’s dreamy state, not wanting to be seen as he smiled with trembling lips and felt a happy tear drop from his jaw onto the dock floor.


	4. Anemone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sweet gestures bring bitter thoughts.
> 
>  
> 
> TW for implied self-harm, panic attacks

His twin fell asleep on their drive back home. Saeyoung took the longer route on purpose, enjoying the cool night air that seeped through the cracked window, making silver hair float like a halo around the dreaming boy. Pale skin reflecting the neon lights, head tilted facing the driver’s seat. Lips slightly parted, showing teeth wet with saliva. He hoped Saeran was dreaming of something good.

Saeyoung’s heart had been skipping and dancing all day, his own tiredness not really registering yet. Body too accustomed to long working hours and sporadic power naps. When they finally parked in their building’s parking lot he waited a little more, snapped a secret picture to love and treasure, and then gently touched Saeran’s shoulder, kindly informing them that they arrived home. 

Some time later he filled his bathtub and cracked open a can of soda, sinking into the warm water to process today and admire the picture he had taken. Zoomed in to observe every detail, the delicate traces of his twin’s bone structure, his long eyelashes resting on porcelain cheeks. His hair, according to the doctors had turned white due to stress, or maybe the drugs he was forced to take for years. Same as his eye color. The differences in them a painful reminder of the time they had spent apart.

“Fuck”. He cursed out loud before submerging half of his face into the water that had began cooling down. He wondered just how long it would take for Saeran to feel confident enough to leave him. That day would probably come, sooner or later. He squeezed his sternum with his palm, feeling stabs at each heartbeat. That wouldn’t do. He promised himself that he would find a way to make staying worth it to his twin. 

‘He loves you, Seven. You know he does, he just needs to be reminded of it’ MC had said to him when Saeran was still hooked up to breathing tubes, laying like a ghost on hospital sheets. Saeyoung hoped and prayed that it was true. Even when progress was obvious (for one, his twin wasn’t trying to kill him anymore) sometimes it all seemed too much. He felt like a burden. Carried his guilt around like a rock tied to his back. Now that Saeran was back in his life he couldn’t pretend anymore that he had done the right choice all those years ago.

He could’ve investigated deeper. Shouldn’t have trusted Rika or V. Blinded by faith in them and their God. Cornered by the Agency. Stolen of years. Robbed of his brother.

Fuck. He was spiraling. 

Saeyoung rose from the tub, hyperventilating, and stumbled around until he reached his bed. The sheets would get wet… He honestly didn’t care. Shaky fingers tried to dial up Zen’s number… then MC’s. Then, Jumin’s. Anyone, really. But it seemed that the universe didn’t want him to call his friends. Maybe it was for the best. ‘I need to learn how to be strong again. I won’t be able to convince Saerannie to stay if I keep having panic attacks every time I’m by myself’. He counted his heartbeats, trying hard to steady his breath. Too much oxygen was making his brain fuzzy, the world was spinning. He opened the photo gallery on his phone, tapping on Saeran’s picture again. Asleep, he looked so much more like he did when they were younger.

Saeyoung wondered whether his skin still felt like a ripe peach. Does his twin’s hair still smells like wild flowers? How does his laugh sounds now that years have passed? Better yet, when was the last time he felt like laughing? 

‘Doesn’t matter. Next time he laughs it will be because of me’. Saeyoung has always felt possessive about his twin’s affections. On the picture, the sleeping Saeran brought him peace. His breath finally steadying as he remembered the rhythm of his brother’s chest in his car. Eventually, the hacker fell asleep, exhausted, phone still in hand and skin prickly under the fleeting summer night’s coolness.

Morning sun disturbed his dreams ‘Saerannie… with angel wings and cat ears purring on top of his car’. A new day ushering in. The sheets around him still dampened. His hair messy and tangled. He rummaged the boxes filled with clothes in search of something to wear (unpacking is a process, right?). A soft t-shirt, a little faded from his inexperience with washing machines, grey sweatpants, his glasses. He stopped for a moment in front of the bathroom mirror to address the slight stubble on his chin (AHHH… should I get these laser removed? It’s not like I’ll ever be able to grow out a real beard) and the chaotic state of his brick red strands before wandering out of his room.

Strangely, the apartment smelled like freshly brewed tea. And in the distance he could hear the soft tune of some low-fi music being played. He followed his senses towards the living room-kitchen hybrid, where he found his twin, sitting on the floor facing the coffee table, blowing on a steaming mug. The sound came from his phone. The scene so surreal and perfect that it blurred the line between reality and dreamscape. Alerted to his presence, Saeran turned his head to face him, cold morning light glimmering on fresh skin. For some time they both faced each other silently, a strange static filling the air between them.

“Good morning, angel” Saeyoung finally said, cracking a smile and approaching his twin. The boy wore his pajamas. The hacker had ordered them for him back in Korea, and must have guessed the wrong size because the collar was too wide for Saeran, and the t-shirt hung lose on his frame, the collar revealing his left shoulder. Thin, almost translucent skin wrapping around delicate bones. An angel indeed. No wings needed.

Saeran blushed at his greetings, blood rushing towards cheeks and ears and blooming in watercolors. “Hey. Want some tea?” It was only then that Saeyoung noticed a second mug resting on the glass tabletop, right next to the teapot and the empty wrapper of a strawberry ice cream bar. Cute. His twin’s addiction to sweet things matched his innate sweetness. He sat in front of the mug and poured himself some of the golden liquid. “I didn’t know we had tea” he pointed out, mimicking the blowing gesture to cool his drink. It smelled like jasmine.

“Really? I… I found it in one of the boxes. Along with the pot and the mugs. It was signed as Kang Jaehee” Saeran explained, voice sounding a bit unsure, like he was expecting to be scolded. Right. So Jaehee sent them tea? Seemed like something she would do, especially since Saeyoung had mentioned that he didn’t enjoy coffee. He smiled and rushed to assure his twin “Oh, no, don’t worry. She mentioned that she would send a few things as housewarming gifts. This should probably be it. It’s for us to share!~” Taking a demonstrative sip he hummed appreciatively “Thank you for sharing with me! It’s perfect.” 

His compliments earned him a lovely reaction from his brother, who, flustered, focused on his own cup, face a couple of shades redder. Nothing else was said, but the silence was accompanied by the crackling of music, that filled the room with comfort. “Thank you for yesterday. I liked the drive.” Saeran finally said, still avoiding eye contact. Was the tea a way to show gratitude? Saeyoung’s heart fluttered.

“We can go again, whenever you want to. I can research for more scenic roads and daytrips around Tokyo, if you want to…” He began excitedly explaining before stopping himself mid-sentence. His little brother was smiling. Not at him, Saeran hid his expression behind his mug, but he was still able to catch a glance at the corners of his mouth, upturned, revealing a faint dimple. Poor Saeyoung went into overdrive, melting at the sight,

“... Anyway, if you wanna go somewhere just let me know. I’ll be your personal chauffeur at a moment’s notice, so no need to hesitate, okay?” A small nod. Then, Saeran settled his cup on the table before raising away from the ground. “I need a moment. If you want breakfast, go ahead without me” the boy informed, before disappearing into his bedroom.

Although it wasn’t unusual for his twin to bail on him mid-discussion, somehow it still stung him each time he saw Saeran retreat. Walls seemed like such useless things in times like these. Saeyoung carefully poured the rest of the tea into his mug, admiring the color. A stray leaf floated towards the surface. Good luck sign, according to his mentor. He took a picture immediately, sending it to Vanderwood, even though he knew he probably wouldn’t get an answer. His fingers gravitated automatically towards the RFA chat.

Just as he was about to enter the chatroom, with gleeful greetings and a slew of emojis, he saw that Yoosung was online. Talking to the blonde boy had been hard ever since he found out that Rika had been alive all that time. Especially because he blamed Saeran for her death. Seven had always known that Yoosung harbored complicated feelings towards his late cousin, and he figured that discovering she was a paranoid sociopath who had founded a cult which extorted, tortured and imprisoned people wasn’t something easy to deal with, but the kid went deep into denial during his grieving process.  
Normally, of course, Saeyoung would be doing his absolute best to help his best friend through difficult times, but this wasn’t a normal situation. His twin needed him the most, and he wouldn’t let anyone try to blame him for the horrors he endured. He also held no kind feelings towards Rika (in his ideal world, he would have a couple of days… maybe weeks to spend with her, prolonging her death with various methods of torture he’d been taught at his old job), and he wouldn’t pretend that he missed her or pitied her for anyone’s sake. Not even Yoosung’s. 

As he loaded the dishwasher, busying his mind with a task list of things that still needed to be done to make their new apartment resemble a home, his phone rang. It was Vanderwood, or, rather, one of the throwaway numbers he used to communicate with his pupil. 

'Hey, carrot head. You playing tea time now?'

A snarky familiar voice brought a smile to Saeyoung’s lips. He leaned on the kitchen counter, balancing his phone between his ear and his shoulder.

'Hey, mommy. Wanna play with me?'

He made a baby voice, teasing Vanderwood to oblivion. It was a common prank between them, a way to lighten the mood during their missions together. Saeyoung liked joking around, dressing up and generally act up. The older agent would pretend to be pissed, but would actually join in on the banter, playfully scolding the hacker.

'Mommy is too busy to play. Are you keeping your new crib tight? How’s your new playmate doing?'

'He’s doing so great! Oh, mommy, today he made us tea in the morning and yesterday we had dinner while watching the stars~ it was so romantic...'

Vanderwood scoffed on the phone, suppressing a serious burst of laughter. Saeyoung realized his cheeks were burning. Did he just describe last night between him and his twin as… romantic? The word had just escaped his mouth before he stopped to analyze it. Thinking back, though… he had always wanted to take someone special for a midnight picnic by the ocean. That he ended up doing just that with his beloved brother just made it, somehow…

More special.

'Hey, dipshit. Are you there? I’m calling to remind you that you both need to take your meds, you gotta set up security and eat something that didn’t come out of a pre-made packet for once.'

Vanderwood’s harsh tone interrupted his train of thought, just as his memories juggled between the coolness of his brother’s fingers as they brushed his own for a moment, and the elusive sparkle of Saeran’s eyes when they caught the glimmer of the waves beneath them. Romantic indeed, more so than he could ever imagine.

'Stop babying me. We’re taking care. I’ve established a safe connection already, want me to pass the details?'

That was a bait, of course. There was no need for Vanderwood to know the specifics of the network he had set up, but if, by any chance, someone was listening to their conversation he would lure them right into one of the traps he had installed into his firewall. 

'Sure thing, kid. Send the blueprints to my third account, the one with my nickname.'

'Of course.'

'How’s your brother?'

This question came with a much different tone by Vanderwood. There was a gentleness about it, a kind and understanding expression that could only be gauged by years of familiarity and closeness. As much bitterness and pain that lied between them, Saeyoung would still consider his mentor to be one of the closest people he had in his life. As a bonus, the spy seemed to genuinely care for Saeran as well, unlike some of his other friends.

'We’re… managing. I think I made some progress. It’s still hard, though. For us both. There’s just too much to process.'

A comforting, understanding pause. Saeyoung counted five breaths before Vanderwood responded.

'It will be hard, I know. But you’re so strong, kid. You can do it. If not for yourself, than for him. Don’t beat yourself up for missteps. '

'I know. It’s hard, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. How’s the trust fund daddy going?'

'Jumin’s great. He’s looking forward to acquire some properties in Russia later this year.'

After all of the mess with Mint Eye, Jumin had decided to dive head first into his business endeavours and, so far, it had been quite successful. Especially because he went first and foremost after all of the rich goons who had sponsored the cult throughout the years, merging and acquiring whatever wasn’t worth obliterating. Vanderwood’s skills with manipulation and intimidation proved quite effective in helping him achieve his goals. It was a true win-win situation.

'Russia? I hope you make the transaction air-tight, they are great at backdoors and duplicates there.'

'I know, I know… Listen, would you consider coming along? We could use some help, and it probably won’t be before the winter. The pay will be good too.'

Vanderwood knew that money wouldn’t really entice Seven at this point. On the other hand, this job really did seem fun. And surely even C&R would need a helping hacking hand when dealing with the russians. Saeyoung shook his head, reminding himself that he couldn’t divide his attention. Not now. Not ever again. 

'I don’t know, man. My priority is with Saeran.'

'Yeah, yeah, I get that. Hey, I gotta go. Take care. Go to the beach or a garden or something, you’ll suffocate him if you spend all day locked up in that apartment.'

With that, the call ended. No goodbyes, as always. His mentor was indeed a man of few words. However his last words gave Saeyoung a few ideas on what to do with their free time. He’s have to research, though. Also, breakfast. He finished loading the dishwasher and opened the fridge door. The snacks he had bought on their first day were still partially there, but he realized that he had bought almost nothing of real nutritional value.

If it were up solely to him, the hacker wouldn’t mind. Probably would be happy to survive on potato chips, soda and candy. But Saeran… When he was in the hospital, looking so frail against the sheets, the doctor had pointed out that the boy was “malnourished, with a severe deficiency in Vitamin D, iron and calcium”. So, not a great candidate for a junk food diet. Saeyoung smacked himself on the forehead for being careless and stupid. Vanderwood probably felt like that too, when he acted up and refused to eat his veggies or clean up the bunker. But, with his twin, every feeling was multiplied tenfold. 

He decided to ask Saeran himself what would he be willing to have for brunch. Saeyoung paced in front of the master bedroom door before tentatively knocking on it. “Ehhh… Saerannie? Can I come in?”. At first, silence. Then, some shuffling, followed by a small “Okay” from inside. The redhead pushed the handle and entered the room. 

Saeran sat on his bed beside the window, hair a bit damp and sticking to his forehead. The boy was surrounded by flowy linen and fluffy pillows, gathered around him into a sort of nest. Glowing skin, lips parted in an inquisitive expression, fingers clutching the sheets around him. “Hey. I was looking around.” He pointed a finger outside, in the general direction of the park below them. Lush greenery, dancing along the gushes of wind.

Saeyoung remembered what his brother had said to him yesterday. How he felt trapped, but also so unsure and intimidated by the outside world. How he marvelled at the crashing waves of the night sea. How he seemed to soak in the breeze outside his car’s window. Like a prince, who had spent his entire life locked away in a tower. “It’s a nice park. We can go there someday, if you wanna” the hacker suggested, moving a bit closer to the bedside. Careful, careful. They weren’t familiar with each other’s limits, yet, especially because those seemed to be in a perpetual change and transformation.

“... Someday?” A small, yet hopeful sound escaped Saeran’s throat, traveling through the air between them and sending jolts of electricity to Saeyoung’s spine. In this exact moment, his twin reminded him exactly of the time they were both kids, planning their runaway route. He’d bet his life that it would feel the same, too, the light touches and secret gestures they used to exchange, the only source of light and comfort in a world too harsh for small creatures.

“Yeah” Saeyoung exhaled, taking a few more steps, cutting the distance between them in half. Another half. Lowering to his knees until his eyes were lower than Saeran’s. “We can go anywhere you want, angel. I’ll take you”. He was almost whispering, somehow this moment seemed so fragile and dream-like. His hands ached for his twin’s sweet embraces, longed for mutual comfort. To be fragile with each other, allowing themselves to be reclusive, to ignore existence itself.

His brother watched him, silent, cyan eyes following his every move, watchful, but with a softness known only to them. “I don’t know what I want” the angel confessed, teeth sinking into the rosy lip underneath, hesitance coloring his face. “I don’t really know who I am anymore, to be honest” And Saeyoung understood. Perfectly well. Removing all of the masks that he had fabricated throughout the years was a daunting, painful task. What was scarier, though, was the possibility of him not really having anything underneath. Of being nothing but a hollow shell, being filled by fake personas.

“I don’t really know either.” He offered, as a condolence. Bared his chest open. Wanted to be better at words to properly convey the meaning. “I feel most like myself when I’m with you, though.” the hacker stated, simply, mouth parting in a light smile. His intentions were pure, but somehow his words hurt Saeran. He could tell by the way his twin’s gaze tore off his face, erratically dancing all over the room around them.

“I can’t feel like myself. I don’t even look like myself. I look at you and see a ghost. A life I can never reclaim.” Tears gathered under aquamarine irises, blush painting cheeks in blotches. “Look at this!” The boy explained, pulling his right sleeve to reveal the harsh tattoo on his shoulder, a stark contrast of fat, black lines against milky skin. There were scratch marks too, angry red and, in some places, wounded. “My hair, too. And my fucking eyes” Saeran covered his face with delicate hands, curling into a ball of agony.

Saeyoung’s first instinct would be to launch forward, project his body around his beloved brother, soothe the hurt. It was incredible, how all of his muscles toned, ready to fight, protect, avenge. But he couldn’t. He needed to respect the space between them. It was a space that Saeran would determine. He had no right to undermine it. Instead, the redhead reached tentatively and grabbed the blanket on the bed, draping it around Saeran, and then himself, constructing a cave for them to reside in. 

“Hey~” he called, eventually making Saeran peel his hands from his face. Ragged breath, shivers. “You can paint your hair, if you want to. We can research tattoo removal. I can buy you contact lenses. Anything you want, Saerannie” He spoke slowly, trying his best to infuse each word with meaning. “If it’s important to you, we’ll do it, I promise. But still, I want you to know that when I look at you I still see you. Nobody else.” He felt his own eyes prickle and fog with tears, but fought through. There was still much to be said.

“I could never forget you. Even if I was blinded, or lost all of my memories, you are etched into my soul, into every molecule of my being, every bit of information engraved into my DNA” His voice began to falter, vocal chords struggling to keep up with erratic breath and arrhythmic heartbeats, but he persisted as if his life hung onto this moment. It needed to be said. “You are you, Saeran. My flesh and blood. My twin star. Irreplaceable”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry this took a bit longer than usual, life has been a whirlwind of emotiosns lately. If you came here from Amino, PM me there, I love feedback!
> 
> By the way, in my story the changes to Saeran's appearence are more... permanent. I'll explain with further details in future chapters!


	5. Statice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm sorry for being gone for so long. I had a huge workload on me, and I was also finishing the research for my degree, so I felt overwhelmed by it all. But now I'm finally free and ready to go back to writing <3 Thanks everyone who left comments and kudos, I'm really glad you've enjoyed my work so far. I promise I intend to finish it!
> 
> In this chapter we get more memories from Saeran's POV and some bonding times between the twins ~

After his brother left their childhood home, Saeran’s mind would often paint pictures. He would look outside of his window, watching the sun go down, disappear behind the tall and distant mountains, and see the silky strands of Saeyoung’s hair. Sometimes, the songs he heard from the small birds would remind him of the whistles that his twin would form with pink lips, lulling them both to sleep. Once he was in the Mint Eye headquarters, he would often watch the world outside, searching for signs of his flesh and blood. Sometimes, with cruel intentions. Sometimes, he would spit into the fast running springs, just because Saeyoung would tell him about this one spot he had found on one of his escape rounds. 

 

It was weird, just how much of the world around him reflected the one he seemed to run away from the most. Hate is indeed a strong word. Saeran knew it. He hated his mother, her voice, her scent, the sounds her steps would make, creaking around the old parket in his house, alerting to her threatening presence. He would hate his Saviour’s speeches, always vaguely soothing and numbing, while at the same time diminishing and condescending. He would hate the food he ate at the cult’s common room, he would hate the scent of the clothes he had no choice but to wear. He would hate on the sounds his keyboard would make each time he had to type in a sentence into the code he was writing. 

 

Hating was easy. He hated himself the most. Hated his body for being too weak to live while too strong to die. Hated his hair, which, while fiery red, reminded him of his brother, and once turned white, prompted him constantly about the changes which were forced onto him. Hated his face, so familiar in general but so defeated and blurred out once the similarities were written out. Hated each bone in his body. He hated often. He hated a lot. Hate would follow him as a friend, would provide him with a safe mindspace to work on stuff that had to be done. Would give him company in his lonely nights, drifting him into a world where everyone was equally miserable.

 

Hate was a constant reminder of how lonely he felt.

 

But now, now that hope was an intruder in his miserable existence, now that he woke up each day without the looming threat of death, pain and existential emptiness… Now that Saeyoung was right in front of him, bright eyes and eager fingers, reaching out like the first sprouts of spring greenery once they sense the first, timid rays of sunshine. Well, now what?

 

Now his twin was crying. Crying just like he often did once he thought Saeran was deep asleep, the fragility of their childhood innocence on the verge of shattering all around them. Now what? Now that promises were made and there was hope again, sinking its roots into his damaged heart, now that all of his hatred seemed to be diminished because his brother, the one who made him feel alive, said that he was so special?

 

It was conflicting, and confusing, and complex feelings like these were something Saeran wasn’t used to. To be honest, he enjoyed the simplicity of hatred, the manicheistic worldview of constant defiance. Saeyoung had once told him of a greek myth about a guy who was condemned to spend his eternal life after death trying to push a big boulder onto a mountain top. That was it. A clear challenge. He envied the guy for it. He wished his life was as simple as having a clearly defined goal. That way he wouldn’t have to think about his own wishes and dreams, his own desires and aspirations.

 

Who was he, really? He watched Saeyoung’s eyes, glossed with tears, beneath him, offering himself the way he did when they were little. ‘I’ll show you the world through my eyes’ he would say, bringing him library books, butterfly wings, wildflowers, summer heat. That’s how Saeran used to see himself, through his twin’s eyes. Once recruited into Mint Eye, Rika would dictate him the truth, slowly warping his mind into a linear narrative of rejection and distrust. He attempted to change so much about himself that his identity became transparent, small and mute.

 

Yet, there he was. Saeyoung. Broad shoulders, vivid gaze, blotched, yet lively cheeks and soft locks of copper hair. So alive, so solid that Saeran wanted to cling to him. Meld himself into his twin. See through his eyes, feel through his skin, inhabitate his gut and spread his roots deep throughout his brain. Cannibalize him from within. For he was there, right there in front of his eyes, so real and so willing to accept him.

 

“I wanna go back,” he finally let out, feeling dry and barren. A wounded bird with no courage to sing, pecking out of spite. “I wanna go back and do it all over again”. He was selfish. He knew it. Saeran felt a fresh trail of tears scorch his cheeks, and he pushed out of the blanked cocoon his twin had built around them. All of the memories and thoughts rushing back hurt so vividly, and he wanted to go back to the numb and dumb spot. He wanted to feel unreal, isolated, to enjoy the images he had carefully curated in his brain.

 

“I need to be alone.” He informed, placing as much certainty in his voice as he could muster. “Go away”. To see his brother pull out, retreat, silently and with a confused expression. It was painful, but when pain is what you’re used to it feels righteous. For a second, though, Saeran hoped that Saeyoung would protest, that he would force his affection onto him, ignore the hurtful words and embrace him. Make him confront the love he would so often dream about.

 

But Saeyoung was too respectful and considerate for that. He stood up with a conflicted expression and a timid smile and informed that he understood, that he would be right there, so close to him, if he needed anything. Said that he would check up on Saeran later before exiting his room. Left, even though his scent still hung around Saeran’s room, poisoning the air and replacing every molecule of oxygen in his lungs with his suffocatingly sweet presence. 

 

It made Saeran want to gag. He fished his cellphone out of the bedsheets surrounding him and stared at the screen dumbly before opening up the music app he had downloaded, with his brother’s playlist saved on his own profile. The first notes of the already familiar opening track soothed him. He curled his body tightly, finding a safe crevice between the fluffy pillows, and let the sound drown him, filling the empty spaces until he fell asleep.

 

Saeran woke up a few hours later, hearing the notification bell going off on his phone. His brother texted him, reminding him to eat something and to take his meds. Right.

 

He was on several medications ever since he had left the hospital. Antidepressant, sleeping aid, something for his anxiety, several vitamins. He would gulp the colourful pills one by one, usually while he watched his bathtub filling with water. Ever since he came to Tokyo, though, he had begun experimenting with the dosage. Two pills for his depression instead of one. Three pills to help him sleep deeper. It was his doctor’s fault, really. Shouldn’t have told Saeran what each pill was supposed to do. 

 

The funny thing was that he missed the feeling of being under sometimes. Missed how numb and vacant his body felt, how there was no need for hunger or sorrow, as if his pain was hidden behind a thick curtain, silenced into submission. So, tonight, he decided to take double the dosage of everything, except the vitamins. He lined the meds into a single line on the edge of his bathtub and ventured out of his room quickly for a couple of bottles of flavoured water. No sign of his twin, other than the sliver of light under his room door and a few chip crumbles on the kitchen island. There was also a container of rice, curry and steamed veggies in the fridge, covered in cat stickers and his name, surrounded by stars. His dinner, Saeran supposed. But he wasn’t hungry. Instead, he picked a bottle of peach and another of plum flavoured water, taking them both to his room. 

 

The hot water already filled the tub to the exact level. There was a mirror in his bathroom, which showed him his own body in great detail. Strangely detached, the only thing he really enjoyed about himself was how skinny he stayed since his childhood days. Both his mother and Saviour would often laugh at him for his fragility, but he weirdly enjoyed it. Probably… because it reminded him of how Saeyoung would look at him with worried eyes, trailing his fingers along with the bones poking from beneath his thin skin. Sending shivers up his spine.

 

He ran his own hand tentatively across his collarbones, which were so evident in his reflection. He looked sickly and needy, just like he did when he was a kid. Saeran wondered if that would force his twin to worry about him more, and selfishly relished in the thought, smiling as he sunk into the bathtub, allowing the heat to prickle at his skin. Yeah, he enjoyed the attention. Secretly, of course. He would never ask for it outright, even though his body ached with loneliness. How long was it since his last real hug?

 

As these thoughts crossed his mind, Saeran began gulping the pills in front of him, one by one. The expected result was familiar to him already. Soon, he would feel a little sleepier than usual, but he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep for a while. His head would spin and his skin would tickle with the need for surface contact. His mind would turn into a blank canvas onto which he would spill random thoughts, disconnected and senseless, like blotches of paint. Reality itself would begin to fade away, slowly, becoming more transparent and giving space to a dreamlike state.

 

He longed for it to come. Saeran calculated, by his past experiences, that he would have about half an hour before it really hit him, so in the meanwhile he enjoyed the warmth of his bath and the sounds of small waves and drips around him. It surrounded every corner of his body, soothing his lonesomeness while he finished his drink, mildly entertained by the contrast between the coolness in his mouth and the heat around him. As he patted himself dry, sometimes later, he knew that the meds were in full effect.

 

Saeran haphazardly brushed his teeth before stumbling to his bed, still slightly wet and naked. The sheets felt cool against his skin and he pulled one over his head, trying to imitate the intimate, sweet feeling that came to him when Saeyoung covered them both earlier that day. He tightened the fabric around his body, wrapping himself tightly, revelling in the contact and slight friction, breathing in the scent of linen and safety.

 

His skin began to prickle and his mind became fuzzy around the edges, not really focused on anything, as if his thoughts were originally a bumpy and ragged road and suddenly he was gliding on smooth, fresh ice. It was easier to concentrate on physical sensations. Saeran wiggled around, rolling his body on the bed’s surface. Somehow his brain could only show him images of his twin. Saeyoung in the morning, wide smile and sparkling eyes. Saeyoung on the dock of Tokyo Bay, under moonlight, spewing soft words. Saeyoung in his car, confidently stirring the wheel. 15 years-old Saeyoung, skin glistening with sweat because he ran back home from his Sunday sermon, eager to see him again. Saeyoung, Saeyoung, Sae-

 

“Saeyoung” He heard himself whispering. The name tasted sweet rolling down his tongue. He said it again and again, shivering with a sudden rush of excitement. His twin was the best thing there was, really. It was strange just how much he denied himself the redhead’s presence. Deep in his chest, surrounded by a fire built on the hate he had felt all these years, fueled by the lies fed to him, hid away such tenderness and love that recognizing it was even more hurtful to him.

 

Yet the acknowledgement that the feelings were there made Saeran long even more for… something. Something overwhelming, warm, suffocatingly perfect. He tightened the sheets around his body, seeking to relieve the itch that burned him from the inside, tears beginning to pool and fog his vision. He remembered earlier, when Saeyoung was so close, saying such marvellous things to him, and he wanted to believe it, wanted to lean in, wanted to feel his other half closer, closer, just like before, so close that they seemed inseparable. “Want… Sae-” he voiced again, meekly, fire building up. 

 

“Saerannie?” A familiar voice shot through the layers of fabric, concentrating the electric pulses in his synapsis, focusing his mind on reality. Saeran’s heart ached, shooting up, startled, while his body froze in surprise. His twin’s presence was so unexpected that he had no idea of how to react to it, while his thoughts were scattered and racing. Was he watching? The light from his big window would be sufficient for that. Was he about to be scolded? Did…

 

Did Saeyoung hear his name being called so pathetically?

 

“Hey-” Saeyoung heard a soft whisper, then felt the mattress dip beside him. A warm hand was carefully, lightly placed atop his sheet-covered shoulder and he prayed that his brother wouldn’t pull his covers away. That- that would be weird, and embarrassing, and he was in no state to explain things. But, after a few moments, it became apparent that the hacker was just checking up on him. A long pause followed, and Saeyoung’s hand lingered, carefully tracing lines on the linen. 

 

Saeran wondered if his brother would be brave enough to hold him. Hug him, share warmth in the deep night. Just like before. A part of him craved it. Another swore that if that were to happen, he would react with violence and spite, because that’s what he would usually do at any sign of unwanted contact. Before his conflict came to any satisfying resolution, however, Saeyoung rose up and broke the quiet atmosphere with a “Goodnight”. Then, steps. A door opening and closing so smoothly that the unexpected visit soon began to feel like a feverish dream.

 

And maybe it was. Slowly Saeran’s hand crawled up his arm, fingers brushing the spot that had been caressed, the same one where ink sat deep inside his skin. His body got covered with goosebumps when he imitated the motion, wishing to prolong it as much as reality would allow him. He wondered whether Saeyoung wished for that, too, before finally succumbing to sleep.

 

His plan for the next morning was to stay in bed. Accompanied by the gentle tapping of early autumn rain on his large window, he nestled in his sheets playing a game of tapping piano tiles attempting to match the rhythm of the music. It made him feel almost accomplished, as if something useful was coming out of it. In any case, pretending that he was all alone and not having to interact with his brother seemed like a good plan. That is, until he heard the doorbell ring.

 

The sound was somewhat unfamiliar to him. No one really visited his childhood home that much, and he never guarded the door at Min Eye’s headquarters, so the ringing startled him, and he felt silly about it. Carefully pulling on his pajamas he waited and listened to the sound of Saeyoung greeting someone, then some shuffling noises of something heavy being dragged. Curious, he opened the door to his room slightly, peeking from behind him, trying to see what was that all about. 

 

Saeran caught a glimpse of the front door closing and his twin checking the security system. Next to the redhead boy were a few cardboard boxes varied in size, all printed with the same logo: the store where Saeran had ordered his clothes earlier. As if feeling himself being observed, Saeyoung turned on his heels quickly enough to see him staring, and now there was no point in hiding anymore.

 

“Saerannie! Good morning!” The sound of his brother’s voice sent waves of chill and heat to the root of Saeran’s spine. His gaze shifted between the boy and the boxes before he stepped outside of his room, hesitant.  
“Is that for me?” He asked, pointing to the packages, although the answer was obvious. His heart was fluttering with a strange excitement. He wanted to see, touch and try on the things that were inside, but… His instincts were telling him that it was a trap. The sheer volume of cardboard made him feel guilty. Had he been too greedy? Was Saeyoung disappointed? Was he about to be scolded for his excesses?

 

“I think so, yeah!” A wide grin, spreading from the corners of the mouth to the golder iris of his brother’s eyes appeared, inviting and warm. “You wanna open them now or have some breakfast first?”

 

At the sound of the question, Saeran’s stomach tried to protest, vibrating to remind the boy that he hadn’t eaten anything besides medicine in a pretty long time, but those protests were denied any attention. “I wanna check my order”.

 

Saeyoung fetched a knife from the kitchen and quickly opened the boxes, leaving them displayed for Saeran’s inspection, before announcing that he would make them both something to drink. His twin didn’t mind, fingers already rummaging through the contents of his haul, marvelling at the sheer amount of plastic packaging. 

 

His brother came back just as Saeran was unwrapping his third sweater, black soft cashmere caressing his skin. “Here, let me help you with all of these wrappers” the redhead offered, putting all of the trash in a recycling bag. Strangely, Saeyoung wasn’t really talkative this morning, choosing instead to silently observe his younger twin. Saeran was fully absorbed into the process of getting acquainted with his purchases, and when he unpacked a pretty, velvety jacket he couldn’t help but try it on, delightfully rubbing his hands against the fabric.

 

The jacket was a bit bigger than needed, but it wasn’t anything that Saeran wasn’t used to. When they were young, he and his brother would share the few clothes they had, and in Mint Eye people didn’t really “own” clothes, they would just pick from a big pile of donations and wear whatever they could grab first. “It looks good on you” Saeran’s memories were interrupted by a compliment from Saeyoung, who sat there, golden eyes on his every move. “Looks warm, too. You have good taste.”

 

His voice sounded strained for some reason, as if the hacker was suppressing something. Saeran itched to ask him what was wrong, but didn’t know how to phrase it without it seeming weird. Just as he was about to spit out a spiteful comment Saeyoung’s arm reached out to him, fingers finding the collar of the jacket to smooth out a crease. “It feels so soft, too…” His brother’s eyes were studying him so closely, even at an arm’s length distance.

 

Saeran’s cheeks started to burn at the exact moment when his twin’s fingers slid from his jacket down to the dip of his neck, sending his skin ablaze. He wanted to push Saeyoung away, but his body had turned into stone, despite his heart thumping hard in his chest. 

 

How could it be that such feather light touches could provoke this reaction from him? Saeran thought that he must still be high from yesterday’s experiment, because somehow all he wanted to do was to lean into his twin’s hand, make him touch more, be bolder. This desire, coupled with the memory of yesterday’s confessions was too much for him to handle.

 

“I’m gonna try on the rest of these in my room” Saeran whispered, before fumbling to get on his feet, breaking contact. He then rushed to his room, dragging the boxes alongside and leaving Saeyoung behind on the carpet, golden eyes seemingly stuck in a daze.

 

Saeran closed the door behind him, but didn’t lock it. He felt guilty for interrupting the moment, for feeling too cowardly but also for having invasive desires clouding his mind every time his brother laid hands on him. That was becoming too much to bare. Was he touch-starved to the point where even the contact from his own flesh and blood produced such a reaction? His therapist had talked to him about this. That victims of brainwashing and cult members often spent so much time in isolation that they craved touch just as much as a breath of fresh air.

 

If that was the case, Saeran needed to figure out a way to fulfill his needs without turning to his twin for help. He could still remember how intimate he and Saeyoung were in their youth, and how awkward things gradually became once puberty hit them both. Well… at that time it didn’t seem awkward at all, but Saeran knew that he had always been a clingy child. 

 

It was certainly embarrassing for him to remember his body in the budding youth, craving constant closeness with his twin, using the cold of the winter to justify wrapping himself around Saeyoung all of the time. Not that he seemed to mind. The redhead was too good to him to even consider complaining.

 

Saeran distracted himself from the intrusive memories by busying himself, unwrapping the remainder of his clothes and putting every item away neatly. It was still surreal for him to realize that all of this apparel was his property now, that nobody would take it away from him or make him return it.

 

The silky pajama set was his favourite so far, blue, green and white stripes matching his own eyes nicely. The smooth fabric on his naked body felt light, yet warm, providing a nice substitute for human touch. The only thing left to be put away were the shoes and a couple of coats that he bought, planning them for the iminent winter, so he forced himself out of the room to store the items in their appropriate spaces near the entrance to the apartment. 

 

He had expected Saeyoung to retreat to his own room for now, but strangely the hacker stayed in the living room, working on his laptop propped on the coffee table. As soon as Saeran exited his room and headed towards the coat closet his twin stopped what he was doing to follow him with his glance. “Need help?” he offered, hesitantly.

 

Saeran wanted to act proudly and refuse his offer, but he still felt bad for the way he had stormed out earlier, so he simply nodded, inviting his brother to join him. Soon, they were both arranging the shoes in the cabinet, in the space beside Saeyoung’s collection of worn-out trainers, scratched dress shoes and combat boots. 

 

“Hey… I’m sorry if I did anything wrong this morning. I get it, you don’t like it when I touch you, and I shouldn’t… I just m-missed doing it.” Saeyoung mumbled, face red as he apologized. Why was he apologizing? That idiot constantly blamed himself on the stupidest things. Saeran sighed, biting his lip before answering.

 

“It’s okay. It’s just weird for me, to be touched by anyone who isn’t wearing a lab coat.” A half-truth that had to suffice, by now. His brother nodded in understanding, looking even guiltier than before. God. Now Saeran was fighting against his will to hug his stupid twin. “Do we have anything to eat?” he questioned to divert the attention away from the tension boiling between them.

 

A few minutes later they settled next to the coffee table waiting for the instant tteokbokki to boil, softening the rice cakes and melting the cheese that Saeyoung indulgently threw on top of everything. They added a few dumplings in the pot as well. “If we eat like this every day I will turn into a dumpling myself” Saeran whined, watching his twin cooking.

 

“You are at no risk of turning into a cute dumpling! What’s wrong with being a dumpling, anyway?” the hacker laughed, placing the bring-red dish on the table before fetching them both strawberry milk. “Don’t worry, I already got scolded by Vanderwood for feeding you with unhealthy stuff. But MC is helping me learn and I promise that soon I’ll be able to cook for you!” His excitement at that was genuine, making Saeran feel guilty for complaining.

 

“I don’t care too much, you know. It’s not like I had fine dining all of my life. Maybe next time we can order something? Or… maybe go somewhere quiet to eat?” The timid suggestion was met by a wide grin from Saeyoung, who seemed happy with the suggestion, making Saeran’s heart skip a beat. He burned his lips, in a stupid attempt to hid his reaction with a mouthful of scalding and spicy ricecakes.

 

“Be careful, they just finished cooking!” Saeyoung reached for a dumpling, blowing on its surface to somewhat cool it before scooting closer to Saeran to feed him the whole thing. And just like this, the physical distance between them was, once again, shortened. Saeran decided to indulge, selfishly, opening his mouth and allowing passage for the dumpling.

 

It seemed like Saeyoung wasn’t expecting his twin to agree so easily, as if Saeran putting on a fight was a given. And, maybe, it was. But he was so tired of fighting against the small delights of being cared for, that Saeran didn’t mind. He just sat there, allowing his brother to feed him, bite by bite, slowly.

 

“I was thinking about going somewhere tonight” the pale boy announced, once they finished their lunch and Saeyoung washed the dishes. Saeran was now lounging on the couch, delighting himself with a fruit popsicle, watching his twin fuss around him. “I don’t know where we could go, though. Don’t wanna meet too many people.”

 

Saeyoung turned on his heels, facing his brother with a bright, excited grin. “We can take my car and explore a bit. If we stumble upon a quiet place we can go chill there! Maybe a cat cafe! Or a bookstore! Or whatever fancies your eye!” The redhead listed all of the places he thought about them both visiting, excitedly scrolling through his phone to check the best locations.

 

The smaller twin couldn’t contain his smile at the sight of Saeyoung’s excitement. ‘C-cute’ he thought, his brother was cute. “Okay, we can go in a few. Just gotta change clothes. Get dressed, you look like you’re homeless.” The last comment was thrown in just before Saeran entered his bedroom, locking the door behind to get himself some privacy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Once again, I'm so sorry for leaving this with no updates for such a long time! I promise I'll try my best to update often. I think my schedule will be 1 chapter/week or so moving forward. 
> 
>  
> 
> Also, if anyone wishes to be my beta hit me up on twitter! @selflobotomy


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